My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.