Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby