Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
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Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.