Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.