It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀