The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety