Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool