*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.