Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe