Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.