Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Oops I deleted….
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.