Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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