I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Lmao
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.