My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?