Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
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I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
#oldknees
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Covid like
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.