I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
this article brought to you by lions
This line from Airplane.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
2 years later
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge