This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?