I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
mariah carrie
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single