Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You Might Also Like
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My birthstone is kidney
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Pat is about to own someone
My background check bounced.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.