COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Don’t touch that.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”