If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.