WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Tremendous stuff
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.