Hotels are back
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Duolingo getting serious.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.