Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”