Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time