TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
You Might Also Like
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.