At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.