My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.