*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You Might Also Like
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”