I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Do one person every day that scares you.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
welp
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway