ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Every. Damn. Time.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
no
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.