It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances