Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
The future is now.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Bike for sale
the prophecy has been fulfilled
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.