I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
You Might Also Like
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
okay run it by me one more time
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*