Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.