Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.