If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost