I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Always the camel, never the toe.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.