When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.