According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.