Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
You Might Also Like
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Solving a traffic jam
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
buys donuts instead
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Duolingo getting serious.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.