Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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Not messing around
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
When can I start eating bats again.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.