Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If someone says they鈥檙e a lover not a fighter it鈥檚 completely legal to punch them to see if it鈥檚 true.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: it鈥檚 better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you鈥檙e only two! what does that mean?
omg leave her alone
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can鈥檛 get my jeans on
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can鈥檛 even get a text back.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine