You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.