Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂