Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Thinking about Jeff
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
According to math, I’m broke
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666