In Medieval times, people used antimony as a π³π¦πΆπ΄π’π£ππ¦ laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Iβm not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so Iβm not not saying it.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I love diss tracks because itβs basically 2 dudes going, βgrr, we hate each other so much weβre going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!β
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
everyone: βyou changedβ
the climate: i know π
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying βgood girlβ and βgood dogβ, and just quietly muttered βgood godβ at a spaniel
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldnβt hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline