It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I’m aging like a fine banana
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You have been warned.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
#oldknees
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.