Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
A drum solo but on your face.
*launders Kohls cash*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana