This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Just a reminder, folks:
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Yup
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..